This is an example of something that is simple to understand but not easy to perform. Pay attention when you are listening to others. I know, it sounds easy enough. But we spend most of our time thinking ahead while others are speaking. If you want to create meaningful rapport in the workplace, you have to pay more attention than you think when you are listening.
Here are three traps that people often fall into when they are in a conversation. These traps are thought processes that are easy to reinforce, they feel productive – but obstruct connections. These traps feel like you are planning ahead, being proactive, and helping move the conversation along – but they hinder rapport building.
Preparing what to say next
Do you catch yourself spending the whole time that someone else is speaking to you, deciding and practicing what you are going to say next? Are you developing your response so you are prepared to contribute the next time they pause to take a breath? If you are drafting while they are speaking, you aren’t really listening. Listening requires you to shut down your creative brain and focus on your understanding brain. When people feel truly heard and truly understood, that’s when they feel connected, valued, and engaged.
Relating to the message
When listening to another person telling you their story, do you catch yourself flipping through your mental card catalog of experiences, searching for a story to tell that is related to their story? Are you bouncing around from topic to topic in your head, striving to find some similar quip that shows that you can relate? Yes, related experience is essential to deep connecting, but it can be accomplished by relating to the feelings from the story, not from you being able to share YOUR related story. That can easily begin to feel like a competition and create distance when your goal is to create connection.
Planning the next move
Do you catch yourself brainstorming ways that you can benefit from this conversation? You might think about the position of the person you are speaking with. Or maybe the connections that they could make for you. Or simply, how you could make hay by name-dropping if you know this person or this bit of information. Any way you look at it, you are actively brainstorming while you should be actively listening.
Listening isn’t just about keeping your ears open; it’s about keeping your mind from running ahead. According to Speakap, employees who feel their opinions truly count are 4.6 times more likely to feel empowered to do their best work. When you resist the urge to craft the perfect reply, share your own story, or extract personal gain, you create space for real connection. The strongest leaders and the most effective teams are built on the foundation of feeling heard and understood. So next time you’re in a conversation, try something radical: stop thinking and just listen.
